My elevator stopped working.
Last Thursday night after dinner I went to go downstairs but my lift would not work. So brutal. I had very little idea of what to do. My bed is downstairs and it is almost impossible for me to stay in my chair for the night. I’m so dependant on these mechanical things.
Thankfully, I have amazing friends who live close by. So they, with my PSW of the evening, picked me up out of my chair and carried me down my stairs to bed. That was a godsend.
But then what was I going to do? My wheelchair was upstairs and I was downstairs. The chair is 400 pounds and impossible to carry down. I ended up having to stay in bed all day Friday and Saturday and then, thank God, my elevator repair guy came by on Sunday. The upside to that was that he was able to bring my wheelchair down with the elevator by manually bringing it down. The downside was that he discovered I had a broken part and that I could not go back upstairs until it got fixed. Another major downside to that was that the parts were in a New Jersey warehouse and needed to be delivered here. And to make matters even worse, there was no sense as to whether or not that would take days or weeks. So as of today I have been stuck in my basement for seven days now.
I have to admit, there have been times during this week that I have struggled. Sometimes my anxiety was so high I could barely breathe, and I don’t struggle with anxiousness as a rule. There have been times when I have been so down I’ve wondered what the heck is the point? I’ve had times when I have felt so distant from God and alone, especially when the girls have been out of the house, I have wondered about if God was with me or not.
It’s really tough to look out my window, see the blue skies, watch life go by, and feel like I am a prisoner in my own home. I am literally in a forced quarantine. Which I guess is some consolation because I know so many have had to do two weeks holed up in their own home with no ability to leave. It makes me feel as though I am not completely alone on that front. So that’s something I guess.
There are also some other upsides to this I suppose. I have been watching Christian music performances on YouTube. I’ve had time to listen to Richard Rohr podcasts. Madeline L’Engel’s wise words were able to penetrate more so with me in light of my not doing anything. (“I will have nothing to do with a God who cares only occasionally. I need a God who is with us always, everywhere, in the deepest depths as well as the highest heights. It is when things go wrong, when good things do not happen, when our prayers seem to have been lost, that God is most present. We do not need the sheltering wings when things go smoothly. We are closest to God in the darkness, stumbling along blindly.”)
So even though Lent wasn’t going so well for me up until the elevator broke, I’m having a deeper sense of Lent, of Lament, of longing for the Light of the world, now than I could have ever imagined.
Or hoped if I’m being honest.
Another upside to today is that while my PSW was with me this morning I got a text from my elevator guy saying that the parts will be here by Monday. That didn’t come with any guarantees that he could come on Monday or Tuesday to fix my elevator, but it does mean that the end is near. I can live with knowing that I’m only going to be stuck down here a few more days and not a few more weeks.
What a pain in the ass this has been!
And what a pain in the ass God can be, in a good way I suppose.
Why can’t it just be a little easier?
There’s two final upsides that I can think of when it comes to being stuck in the house right now.
The first is that there is curling on every day.
The second is that I don’t have to wear pants.
Gotta hold onto the blessings in any way they come!