I Don’t Cry

So we’re almost through January 2022. Does that freak anybody else out besides me?
For me, this year started out pretty much the same as last.
SSDY (same shite, different year) Covid never ends, the vax versus anti-vax divide continues to widen, (separating families from families, friends from friends, and dividing the church, the country and the world), wars rage, poverty is rampant (folks that we know keep dying of preventable issues related to poverty), politicians on either side keep telling lies, and the beat goes on.
Like I said, SSDY.
Being in long-term care, and Covid having run rampant through this place, I have been in isolation for a few weeks now. I myself have not contracted Covid, knock on wood, but I am staying safe and keeping others safe. But I may be losing my mind being stuck in my room and not getting outside. Thankfully, with everyone here being triple-vaxxed, it wasn’t nearly as severe as last time when around 50 people died here. As far as I know, no one at this place this time around died from Covid.
Thank God for that.

So through all of that crap, you would think I would cry once in a while. Two years ago, my one and only New Year’s resolution was that I would cry that year. Sadly that didn’t pan out. (That almost made me 😢)
Last year also came and went and I didn’t cry despite how hard it was for me and my family during the last few months.
I’m not sure why that is. I do struggle with depression which I suspect is a big part of it. I’ve also been exposed to a lot of loss and death and injustice over the years. And I’ve gone through a lot of personal suffering due to MS. I’ve seen and been through so much. Maybe I’m just numb to everything. Or Maybe I’ve gotten too good at compartmentalizing everything.
It’s not like I’m not around people who cry. Three of my best buddies in the world cry, which makes me jealous every time they do. And my wife cries twice a day:) So it’s not that I’m not around tears much. Maybe it’s just my make up.

Or maybe I’m broken?

I’ve been worried that my lack of crying means that I no longer have feelings about anything. But I know that’s not true. And then the other day I watched a relatively predictable movie called Coda. It’s about a mostly deaf family except for one daughter, and they all own a fishing boat that is their primary source of income. Long story short, the daughter auditions for Berkeley. For her audition, she sings Joni Mitchell’s “both sides now“. That in and of itself makes it awesome. But during the audition she starts to sign the song when she sees that her family snuck in. Well I got all choked up when watching that. It absolutely moved me and I’m not quite sure why. All of the crap I have seen and gone through, and the only thing that makes me get close to misty eyed is a cheesy movie. It kinda made me feel silly.
But at least what it did for me was remind me that I still have a heart. So I’ve got that going for me I hope.

It’s those little moments, those little glimpses of grace, that I need to hold on to;
-The ending of a cheesy movie.
-Yesterday, in 20 below weather, I watched a bright red cardinal sit on a tree right in front of me and was amazed once again at the beauty of creation.
-being introduced by a friend to this whacky awesome band called ‘Meute’ this week.

-celebrating 24 years married to the love of my life.
Moments in time that make me realize that the world is not all bad. Moments to hold on to in the midst of difficult things.

When will the next surprise make me cry I wonder?

2 thoughts on “I Don’t Cry”

  1. Thanks for sharing this Dion. I’m not sure if I have cried in the past two years either. I’m sure this doesn’t mean we’re hard-hearted! It just means we’re grieving in different ways. And I think if we’re open to the ways that will reveal itself (like it sounds like you are), then we’ll be okay and can be gentle with ourselves. Tragic to hear of the impact of other waves on your long term care location. I know it has been rough in congregate care with people with developmental disabilities as well.

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