I will not let you go until you bless me

When I saw this picture for the first time, possibly a decade ago now, it pierced my heart. I just couldn’t forget it. It really spoke to me in that I felt as though it was a picture of my own story. I promised myself that I would someday tattoo that picture on my arm. Yesterday, after way too many years of thinking about it, I finally did it. On my left arm, by far my weakest one (which was intentional), I have that picture with me for the rest of my life.

(I found the artist online and wrote him an email. After sharing my story with him he was incredibly graceful and told me that the picture is now mine. His only condition was that if I made it into a tattoo that I would send him a picture of it. That’s next on my to do list.)
Back then I was already having difficulty walking a little but was still able to get around using a cane. But even then I felt like I was in a battle; a struggle.
– a struggle to be the best husband I could be.
– a struggle to be a good father.
– a struggle to try and preserve my health.
– a struggle to do my job as well as I could.
– a struggle to be as obedient as I knew how to be to God.
So when Jacob fights that angel for an entire night, sometimes I feel like he even had it a bit easy. I’ve had this battle for 21 years now.
Take that Jacob! 🙂
At the end of his fight he says to the angel “I will not let you go until you bless me”. The angel then, in some exasperation, lets him go but not until he wrenches his hip out of place so that Jacob limps for the rest of his life; never to be able forget who is in charge.
For me, I’ve had this limp now for 21 years and counting. I’m actually in a wheelchair now. I am pretty sure God did not give me MS but I’m also quite certain that he is using it to make sure I never forget who is in charge.
I am also quite certain that I have been blessed by God in more ways than I can count. I suspect I am blessed in ways that I don’t even know about.

I doubt God sometimes.
I question God sometimes.
I pray “help my unbelief“ at times.
I am pissed off with God sometimes.

But I will not let go and I do believe I have been blessed.
I can live with that.

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