july 21. 4 days post liberation

so it’s been exactly 4 weeks at this very moment since i was given that drug that put me to sleep and they inserted a tube into my groin whch was then snaked up through my venous system into my jugular vein where they then inflated a balloon to open a blockage that they found there.
the fact is, it all feels as surreal to me right now as it sounds. i sit here on my couch in my basement, having just listened to myself on cbc news ranting about the g20 and the vulgar misuse of $1.2B of public funds when so many people in this country need housng, looking back on the 4 weeks that have passed and i find myself questioning if it all actually happened or if it was just a dream.
but then i get brought back to reality every morning and every night when i inject myself in the stomach with blood thinning medication to help keep the blood flowing through the new openings in my body. (thank God that ends this weekend)
the day of the surgery and the night before were probably, if i were being honest, some of the most terrifying hours of my life. the night before the surgery, i almost bailed, i was so scared. and it didn’t help me when i met some people over dinner that night who had some pretty scary complications from having the procedure done. i think i only decided to go through with it as i knew i’d regret it for the rest of my life if i got this close but walked away. and i’m glad i did. i have no regrets.
so what is life like 4 weeks post op? well i continue to feel great. i really can’t be sure any more if my renewed energy and stamina are directly related to the surgery or if it is a result of my daily visits to the gym and my new found discipline around my diet and a really great physiotherapist. i suspect the truth is that it’s a combination of the two. but i feel a lot more energy, not the same oppressive fatigue that regularly overcame me, far better balance and definitely more endurance. i even did 5 minutes on a treadmill the other morning. i haven’t done that in over a year. and i cycled 25km this past sunday morning before we went to church. i was thrilled about that.
i still don’t have my feeling in my hands and feet back, and my bladder issues continue to piss me off (pun intended), but overall i feel a lot healthier than i did four weeks and one day ago.
and another cool development is that the doctor in barrie that originally tested me has put a call out to people who have had the procedure to come back in for testing to see if there is any difference. so i am waiting for a call soon from barrie to go back for a follow-up test. i’m thrilled about that as i can’t help but wonder if the veins are still open or if they just went back to the way they were. this will tell the tale.

so what am i learning? well much of what i have learned in these past 20 years has come from my friends in the streets. and the same is true yet again. i have been questioning God as to why He has chosen not to give me the instant healing that i have longed for. She answered that question this past saturday night as i went to an open mic night at a local drop-in that my wife erinn works at. the folks there knew all about my journey and had been praying for me and my family all throughout this thing. they also dug deep and even gave us some money for the trip which was so moving to me. i sat with a guy that i’ve known for more than a decade who is a christian and is also a crack addict and is on and off the street. he heard my confusion as to why God didn’t answer my deepest longing in the way i wanted Him to and he related his own story to me. he said that he has cried out to God for many years to be delivered from his addictive tendancies and yet that craving still haunts him. there is nothing more in this life that he wants than to stop craving crack cocaine, but yet he continues to go back to it over and over again. he believes that maybe the purpose of not having the instant fix is so that he would continue to cry out to God in dependance on Her and that if he got cured from his addiction that maybe he would forget God altogether.
i believe that God answered my question in that encounter as i too might very well forget my longing and need for God if i didn’t have this affliction in my life. i am a child of God and while i have no real clue as to how God parents me and why She chooses to do certain things in particular ways, i trust the He, the creator and sustainer of all things, knows better than i. most days that gives me great comfort.

(side note: i use ‘He’ and ‘She’ interchangeably when referring to God as i dont actually believe that God has any gender but embodies all of the perfectness of what is male and female)

so, as has been my tradition in these notes, i will end with a prayer

Father God, i trust you. while i don’t always understand what you’re up to, i am yours.
thank-you for the way that my life has improved since i have had this operation.
but if it’s all the same to you, i’d really like to be rid of this disease once and for all. and i promise i wouldn’t turn my back on you or forget you if you took it from me.
but Mother God, i remain grateful for the many blessings that i have. and i thank you for your love in my life.
i am yours

amen