Still Needing to Hold on Tightly to Control. Day 37 of being in hospital due to MS

So just as an update as to where things are, I’m still in hospital and we’re still in talks about what to do with the house in order to make it work for me. Everything takes so much time. Finally on Tuesday night we will have a meeting with all of the players involved with renovating my house to choose which direction to go and finally start the actual process. This will most likely sadly mean more waiting because we need to get permits for the things we need to do.
I’ve been at Bridgepoint now for three weeks. I am in the three month program so will be here for a couple of more months. And even then if the house is not ready, which is likely as I know a thing or two about how long renos take, they will let me stay here as long as there is a plan for a safe place to go to afterwards.
I do occupational and physical therapy in the morning, which is really quite great. I love my therapists.
In the afternoons I often have guests and then in the evenings I kind of watch TV or movies on my computer. But even this introvert can get a little bored quite honestly. It is a hospital after all. I’m not living at home with my family and I miss them dearly even though they have been here almost every day and I get to go home for meals and things on weekends.
At the end of the day there really is no place like home.

As a tiny glimpse into my daily routine, each morning a nurse needs to come to my room, give me my meds, check my blood pressure and heart rate and temperature, get me cleaned up, get me dressed, put a harness underneath me, and then I get lifted using a power lift into my chair.
That all happens before my first therapy session.
Then if I want to take a nap at some point through the day, I have to call a nurse, wait for them to be able to get here, get lifted out of my chair and into bed. Then the process of getting lifted starts all over when I want to get back up again.
For this guy who struggles with patience even on a good day, this process has been quite tough for me. Because I only have therapy once a day, I absolutely do not ever want to miss it. And sometimes the process of getting cleaned up and lifted into my chair gets cut extremely close. Yesterday I got to therapy with two minutes to spare. With my often-extreme punctuality issues (admittedly one of my many issues), being almost late due to being forced to wait on someone else was brutal for me.
It was yet another lesson of trying to figure out how to let go of control.
Quite honestly, I’m sick of lessons:) I feel like I’ve learned my fair share for at least now. But the hits keep coming.
So as I yet again wait on this Saturday morning for a nurse so I can get outta bed, I get to blog and think.
And here’s where God comes in. On the very day that I was almost late for therapy, I was reminded of and challenged by Nouwen’s prayer.
Let’s just say I have no doubt that this was not a coincidence.
So I will end here by simply posting his prayer.

Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.
And what you want to give me is love—
unconditional, everlasting love.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *