As I look out my door and see the sloppy, wet snow dampening the ground and making it impossible for me to go outside on this shitty, depressing first full day of winter, I realize this view lines up with how I’ve been feeling these days; shitty and depressed.
Usually I don’t feel the winter blues until February but because of this stinking Covid thing which makes it impossible to go anywhere, I’m already feeling the darkness creeping in and it’s only November.
Yes, I know I’m feeling sorry for myself.
And yes, I know I am not alone in feeling this way.
And yes, I also know how much I have in my life to be thankful for.
But on this day I need to confess that I am feeling just plain down.
On a day like this, I have time to let my mind wander. And today like other days in the past few weeks, I have been unfortunately focused on some of the things that MS has taken from me.
I absolutely loved my job. I can’t work anymore.
I loved riding my bike. I can’t do that anymore.
I loved playing music on the piano or with my euphonium. I can’t do that anymore.
But alas before Covid hit I had, despite all the loss, established a fairly decent rhythm in my life. Two days a week I was able to go to the gym. I would spend half a day there using the machines and eating my lunch and chatting with other gym folks. But even that’s closed now. I know it needs to be, and I am ‘all in‘ for helping to save the lives of people around me so I am living according to the Covid protocols for my sake and for the sake of others, but man oh man this sucks royally.
The gym, plus reading and writing and offering spiritual direction to folks, was a good rhythm for me during the day while Erinn and Cate are doing their thing. But now I can’t even leave the house and no one can come into the house.
It just plain sucks!
I’m truly not mining for sympathy or anything like that. I just feel it is cathartic to get this stuff out there. Plus, as I’ve said already, I know I am not alone in this.
It’s no wonder people are taking up bad habits at alarming rates these days. With nothing normal happening anymore, taking up drinking or any number of other not so healthy habits has been the inevitable way people have gone.
Maybe I should take up another bad habit.
Eating more fried chicken?
Who’s with me?
(I’m just joking)