This painting by Jack Baumgartner portrays Jacob Wrestling the Angel from the book of Genesis. It’s a central metaphor for this blog – wrestling with life, health, urban issues, and even with God.
I can see why some folks with disabilities become hermit-like. They build/renovate their homes around themselves in order to fit their needs, and when they go outside realize that their needs can’t be met. So they stay home where it’s safe and comfortable.
Thanks for letting me vent last time. Sometimes letting off a little steam is good for the soul…
And thanks also for the words of caution around grace.
I get it.
I’m fairly certain that when Jesus thinks of me He regularly prays ‘Father forgive him for he knows not what he’s doing’.
So I’m running into some relatively painful moments on my mobility scooter these days.
Yesterday was the proverbial last straw.
As you might know, I have really been struggling with my health. I hate being this sick, and I often wonder why God allows me or anyone else for that matter to live with so much struggle.
So this past week was my third of four week-long intensives for my training to become a certified spiritual director. One of the main tangential things I have learned is that when they call it an ‘intensive’, they’re not screwing around.
In 2010 I traveled to Costa Rica with Erinn and Cate for surgery. It was rumored that this procedure could do a lot to alleviate some of the significant symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis that I was experiencing.
I’m now in my 4th year of not going to church in the summer. It’s too hot and humid. My tolerance for humidity gets worse each year due to MS related complications. Humidity simply sucks the life outta me. It’s hard enough as it is. So back when I told my doctor about how I feel when I go to my wonderful, yet old and non-air conditioned church, she told me I’d be wise to not go in the summer.
It seems as though I am in a struggle for at least a part of every day of my life; a wrestling match. I often feel like I’m wrestling with things like life, my health, poverty/justice issues, and most certainly, with God.
So I’ve been working out lately. I’ve been going to the gym. I’ve even been swimming again.
And to take it up a notch from things I’ve done previously, I’ve hired a personal trainer. I go to this high intensity gym where all these people are crazy strong and do unbelievable things, and then there’s me and my scooter.
There is an outdoor kind of lounge/garden area that I grew to love when I would come and visit her. It seems that almost no one knows about this place. It’s beautiful and barely anyone ever visits it. I view it now as my own personal Secret Garden. This is the first time I’ve come here on my own since she has passed. I feel close to her in this place.