What do you want?
My PSW asked me that this morning in relation to what I would like to wear today. But the question itself stuck in my brain. What in fact do I want? It did remind me of one of the funniest and yet most profound songs that I know of from my past called “What do you want?” by the shuffle demons. Have a listen if you get the chance. It’s crazy funny in a not so funny way.
I spent quite a bit of time this morning asking myself that question. And there are different levels of answering that of course.
There’s the personal stuff; both realistic and non. Like I’d like to have unlimited wealth so that I could fly to Newfoundland whenever I felt like it. I would love to have a home on the beach in Florida or California that was accessible so that I could go there anytime I felt like it, especially when it’s -20 Celsius outside. As far as that goes, I would like to be in an able body so that I didn’t have to worry about accessible accommodations and just go wherever I wanted to whenever I wanted without having to worry about all of that. But those are just some things I would sort of like to have but know I will never get. But the more realistic things I would like are already in place for me for the most part.
I want a healthy and thriving family. ✅
I want great friends. ✅
I want community that I love and that loves me back. ✅
I want good food and good drink. ✅
I want a nice warm cozy place to live. ✅ x 2
I want the resources to be able to go to the occasional movie or concert or show or hockey game once in a while with Erinn. Well the hockey game might be out of my reach in Toronto but for the most part this is a ✅ as well.
Then on a macro scale there are lots of things I want. I want world peace. No ✅
I want an end to hunger and homelessness and poverty. No ✅
I want environmental decay to be over. No ✅
I want weapons to be turned into farming tools. No ✅
I want there to be no more pain or sorrow or sickness. No ✅
I want there to be no more relational breakdown or disagreements or arguments over silly things. No ✅
Needless to say, the big stuff is not happening anytime soon. In fact, it’s getting worse… Jesus often asked this question and many of his stories. “What do you want?” was often heard coming out of his mouth towards people or individuals. As a spiritual practice, I often insert myself into a biblical story as one of the characters to try and be that person and do my best to understand where they were coming from, even if they were doing a bad thing. And so when Jesus asks this question to someone, I often try and be the person that Jesus is talking to. So if Jesus were to ask me what I wanted, it becomes a very personal and difficult question to answer. What would I say to that question if Jesus were to ask me? Today my answer would be simply that I want to be beloved; that I want to be his beloved child. I not only want to believe this in my head, but I want to believe it in my heart. The distance between belief in my heart and my head, that 18 inches or so, is the furthest and most difficult gap to bridge of anything I can think of. Do I really truly believe in my heart that I am God’s beloved child? Do I really believe that whatever I do, or don’t do, has no bearing on whether or not I am beloved by God?
Some days yes.
Some days no.
And I’m not sure what day this is if I’m being honest.
Lord I believe
Help my unbelief Amen