Dependancy. 287 days away from home
So I thought I’d share another slight glimpse into what a day in my life looks like.
At the very beginning of each day I am completely dependent on somebody coming to me and helping me get dressed and out of bed. So if that person calls in sick or is late, I simply need to wait. I am utterly dependent on them. Once they arrive, which is almost always the case, I get cleaned up and dressed and then in order to get in my wheelchair I need to have a sling wrapped around me and then get lifted out of my hospital bed via a ceiling lift.
Then during the day I’m fairly independent, as long as my chair works that is. I have come to realize how dependent I have become on it. As I look at my odometer I see that I have travelled 1179 km on that thing to date. Without it I don’t quite know what I would do. I get my groceries on it, take the subway, go to restaurants, get around my house, go to church, and everything else that I do, I do on the chair. So if it breaks, I’m kind of screwed.
I’ve taken to riding it on the streets as well. The sidewalk is just too hit and miss. There are often cars or trucks parked on them or garbage bins out for pick-up day that are in the way. So instead of just hitting roadblocks all the time, I’ve stopped altogether trying and now use the streets. Most people understand that or at least have patience. However, one day at a delivery truck driver decided to put his window down and scream at me to get off the road.
I gave him the finger.
I’m counting on forgiveness for that one…
Then when I get through my day I wait again for a personal support worker (PSW) to come and help me get into bed. (incidentally, those people deserve medals for what they do) Once again I am 100% dependent on someone to give me a hand or else I won’t get to bed.
Throughout my career, my life actually, I got used to independence. I felt like I could do anything I wanted to do on my own. That’s no longer true for me. I need a ton of help For just my day-to-day stuff.
I’m not gonna lie; I’ve been pretty pissed off with God at times for the cards I’ve been dealt in life. 2018 has been a particularly brutal one for me and my family. Besides a few weeks in January, I have been away from home this whole year due to my health. I sleep in a hospital bed and not my own. I have needed to retire from the work that I love at age 48. I have ended up in a wheelchair. We’ve had to refinance the house, which we were so close to having paid off, so as to renovate it to make it accessible for me. It truly doesn’t seem fair. There’s been so much loss. MS has stolen so many things from me/us.
But once I move past my lament, my anger, my self pity, I stop and think about the zillions of ways I’m blessed. I continue to have so much to be thankful for. I sometimes don’t even know where to begin offering my gratitude.
Meister Eckhart said “if the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank-you, it will be enough.”
On this cold, rainy November day I don’t know what or how to pray.
So I’ll heed Eckhart’s words and simply say;
I trust that’ll be enough