Hospital Days; My Dark Night of the Soul

Well it’s been quite the few days.
To say the least.

I’m in the hospital. I’ve been here since early Sunday morning. I felt a cold coming my way on Friday morning. I always get real nervous at the first sign of any virus as it always makes my MS about 1000 times worse. So Friday was a miserable day of anxiety and sickness. But on Saturday I started feeling better and I thought I had dodged a bullet.

Then came Sunday morning. I woke at 5am with a high fever and was unable to find the strength to get up. Erinn wanted to call an ambulance for me then but I begged her to wait for a couple more hours to see if I was any better. But I got worse until finally I told Erinn she was right (yet again☺) and that she should call an ambulance. I’ve been here ever since.

It’s my first time ever being admitted to hospital. I’ve had some pretty dark days here. One of the many things I’ve learned is that all forms of fear of humiliation need to be checked at the door. There’s no room for pride here.
That first day, I was in the windowless emerge from early morning until midnight before they finally moved me into some sort of another emergency room but slightly better. I stayed there for 2 nights and 3 more days of windowless pleasure. And to make things even worse, I was in the bowels of the building where not even my phone worked. When Erinn wasn’t with me I was completely cut off from the rest of the world. So I’ve literally had some really dark days.

But even darker was the condition of my spirit. I’ve been really down in the dumps. And I’ve been mad.
Mad at MS.
Mad at life.
Mad at the world.
And yes, mad at God.

I’ve been unable to muster the faith to read my Bible; mining for any comforting words that may be contained there. And I’ve just not even been able to pray to this God who I feel is letting me down. The only prayer I could muster at all was ‘Lord, Help my unbelief’. I knew I wasn’t alone in that prayer.
But I’ve been comforted by the knowledge that hundreds, if not thousands of people all over the world have been praying for me and my family since the news of this latest bout of illness got out there. People are taking my place in prayer and bearing the load on my behalf while I’m in this place of doubt. A ‘great cloud of witnesses’ is out there running the race for me for now.
And for that I am and always will be eternally grateful.

Update: Just 2 hours ago (It’s 9pm Tuesday evening as I write this) they moved me upstairs to a room with a window and a phone signal. I saw the sun, a blue sky, and have a view of the Toronto skyline. I have been out of bed. I’ve taken some steps. My fever is mostly gone. And I think I’m almost there.
Light is beginning to creep back into my life whether I like it or not.

NOTE: Incidentally, I found out that today is the ‘International day of the caregiver’. The lovely Erinn Oxford has been by my side all day every day and wins the prize hands down for caregivers as far as I’m concerned. Love you babe.


12 thoughts on “Hospital Days; My Dark Night of the Soul”

  1. Good Morning Dion,
    I have been praying for you and your family since reading the first news. It is good to hear you are feeling better. I have been there like you when you can’t pray, but I love the song hyou don’t have to know how to pray…all you have to say is Jesus…He never leaves no matter if we are mad at Him, and I am so thankful for that. praying that this great and wonderful God we serve will continue to pour into your life new strength and healing..He is able. Keep looking up the sun and Son is still shining down on you.

    Friends of both your parents

  2. Jan Rothenburger

    Continuing to pray…thanks for sharing valnerably.. you inspire many, hope the sky gets bluer.

  3. My Dear Friend Dion,

    I did not know that you are in the hospital until today! I definitley agree that Erinn would win the prize of best care giver! It hurts me to hear of your dark days. Anger is definitley warranted. You not wanting to pray or read the Bible, those das hapoent to all of us….this is when the body of The Most High comes into love, pray and encourage you whenever and however possible. Elohim has shown you that He will never leave you or forsake you through your friends,family and allows you to be angry at Him as He understands. Will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and really wish I could do more. I will be praying for a speedy recovery for you so you can return to your place of comfort. Your friend and co-laborer Marcia

  4. Dion…

    Although I am not dialled into particular journey with MS…I have seen my fair share of hospitals throughout my life. I have seen both sides of the fence in the cancer journey. As the patient and as the supporting spouse.

    In both cases, the Lord fought for me, when I had no physical or spiritual strength, and I know He will do the same for you.

    Paul’s words to the Corinthians always ring true when talking about weakness:

    My grace is sufficient for you and my power is made perfect.

    Will continue to pray for you and your family.

    Grace and peace,

    Chris Davey

  5. Hey Dion, Just came across your twitter message with the link to your blog about being in the hospital…Holy shite, I’m so sorry to hear about this, and especially concerned to hear about how down and alone you’ve felt (until the bit of reprieve, when they moved you up to a room with windows and cell reception). Just wanted you to know I’m joining that group of people who love you and who are trying to help hold you up, since you can’t muster a lot for yourself right now. Also, I’ll follow up with a private e-mail, but just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and praying for you (and for Erin & Kate). With Love and prayer, Phil

  6. Hi Dion and Erinn. I know something of the MS journey from the caregiver side, and too much about the hospital experience from the spiritual caregiver-of-the-professional-sort side. I know those windowless ER rooms and extended stays. I also know the ICUs with big windows and unconscious patients, worried families and sickened souls all around. I’m so glad you’re moving up in the system, and I trust you will soon move out. In the meantime, I hope you will be pleasantly surprised to find your soul amazingly nourished in the midst of this dark experience.

  7. God is greater than your greatest need; may you sense the nearness of His presence & His words, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

  8. Amen! Thank God for windows!!!! When we find ourselves in darkness, wrapped in the belly of the pit waiting (not patiently) and still hoping for God’s mighty plan of salvation, He gives us a room with a view, remembering we are not in this alone. Peace to you Dion and Erin:))

  9. Hi Dion,

    I don’t think that we have ever met, but I have met your wife through some March break interactions we’ve had in the past as I brought a rural youth group into my beloved city (although I grew up in Scarberia), and let them see life from a different side. She is a pretty neat lady, which must mean that you are a pretty neat guy. I have been praying for you and your family during these challenging times.

    God has big shoulders – He can take whatever you need to let go of. And the cool thing is that He doesn’t stop loving you in spite of it. But remember that it’s the devil that wants you to blame God when suffering is really his fault. I know that is likely small comfort if any. I will be praying for you and hope that one day we can actually get to meet one another.

    May the God of all peace bring you peace. May the God of all love bring you comfort. May the God who knows your inmost thoughts carry you through your darkest days.

    Peace be to you brother.

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