Hospital Days; My Dark Night of the Soul
Well it’s been quite the few days.
To say the least.
I’m in the hospital. I’ve been here since early Sunday morning. I felt a cold coming my way on Friday morning. I always get real nervous at the first sign of any virus as it always makes my MS about 1000 times worse. So Friday was a miserable day of anxiety and sickness. But on Saturday I started feeling better and I thought I had dodged a bullet.
Then came Sunday morning. I woke at 5am with a high fever and was unable to find the strength to get up. Erinn wanted to call an ambulance for me then but I begged her to wait for a couple more hours to see if I was any better. But I got worse until finally I told Erinn she was right (yet again☺) and that she should call an ambulance. I’ve been here ever since.
It’s my first time ever being admitted to hospital. I’ve had some pretty dark days here. One of the many things I’ve learned is that all forms of fear of humiliation need to be checked at the door. There’s no room for pride here.
That first day, I was in the windowless emerge from early morning until midnight before they finally moved me into some sort of another emergency room but slightly better. I stayed there for 2 nights and 3 more days of windowless pleasure. And to make things even worse, I was in the bowels of the building where not even my phone worked. When Erinn wasn’t with me I was completely cut off from the rest of the world. So I’ve literally had some really dark days.
But even darker was the condition of my spirit. I’ve been really down in the dumps. And I’ve been mad.
Mad at MS.
Mad at life.
Mad at the world.
And yes, mad at God.
I’ve been unable to muster the faith to read my Bible; mining for any comforting words that may be contained there. And I’ve just not even been able to pray to this God who I feel is letting me down. The only prayer I could muster at all was ‘Lord, Help my unbelief’. I knew I wasn’t alone in that prayer.
But I’ve been comforted by the knowledge that hundreds, if not thousands of people all over the world have been praying for me and my family since the news of this latest bout of illness got out there. People are taking my place in prayer and bearing the load on my behalf while I’m in this place of doubt. A ‘great cloud of witnesses’ is out there running the race for me for now.
And for that I am and always will be eternally grateful.
Update: Just 2 hours ago (It’s 9pm Tuesday evening as I write this) they moved me upstairs to a room with a window and a phone signal. I saw the sun, a blue sky, and have a view of the Toronto skyline. I have been out of bed. I’ve taken some steps. My fever is mostly gone. And I think I’m almost there.
Light is beginning to creep back into my life whether I like it or not.
NOTE: Incidentally, I found out that today is the ‘International day of the caregiver’. The lovely Erinn Oxford has been by my side all day every day and wins the prize hands down for caregivers as far as I’m concerned. Love you babe.